Steward's Portion

Setting Your Heart to Love the Things Your Spouse Loves

IN THE FIRST BLUSH OF LOVE the thing that often holds us fascinated is how much the other person is “just like me.”  This commonality is a strong platform for the beginning stages of a relationship and if carefully nurtured will bond two people together very closely. It is a starting point for conversations and will provide inspiration for dates that will interest and excite both parties. In fact the more two people have in common the easier it is for them relate and respect each other. Everyone one of us loves what we do, wants to be loved while doing it and have someone equally interested partake of our joys.

As a relationship progresses a sense of the different (yet complimentary) strengths and interests develops. The woman who never had a knack for cooking will sing the praises of her husband who excels in the kitchen. The differences in social dynamics are also seen as positive. The introverted man will appreciate the more extroverted woman who is at ease at parties and can start conversations easily. He likes sports, she likes tailgating and it seems as if things couldn’t be better! Finding ways to become a team adds a new level of closeness and its exciting to discover that two people can fit together so well even in their differences.

At some point the glow starts to wear off as all the little things that were so easily overlooked start to take their toll. Sin has a way of unraveling our love for one another. The man who at first was praised for his confidence is now seen more as a braggart. The woman who had such grace and ease in conversation is now seen as more of a gossip. Whether it is the dirty socks next to the bed every night or the unwashed dishes in the sink, the enemy knows just how to push our buttons. In small ways the woman will start disrespecting her husband, and the husband will feel the love he holds for his wife slowly ebbing away. (For a wonderful and complete examination of this specific problem, please read the book ‘Love and Respect’ by Dr. Eggerich!)

There will usually emerge one specific thing that a wife can identify as the thief of her husbands affections. This perceived “affection thief” can take many forms: sports, cars, video games, poker night, hunting season, camping or fishing trips with the guys, his job, his family, the book he would rather be reading… any number of pursuits that hold his interest can feel like your worst nightmare. What is a woman to do?

Our natural fleshly reaction is to wage war against this intruder to our marriage. Who can sit idly by while a thief is stealing from you?  Our natural instinct is to attack the thief and defend what rightfully belongs to us.  But unfortunately, this means attacking something our husband holds dear, and that will never produce the intimacy we so heart-fully desire.

In my own marriage I struggled to capture the attention and affection of my husband. His hobby shifted in my heart from being something I had once admired to what began to feel like an excuse not to spend time with me.  His hobby had not actually changed, but our relationship had.  I now required more “face time” from him than his hobby provided.  But I didn’t know how to communicate this need to him in a way that he could understand.  Men and women have different needs and it can be hard to grasp a need you don’t have yourself.

I prayed for months that God would help him disconnect from his hobby so I could claim his time for myself.  I prayed that God would turn his heart towards me, that I could be half as exciting to him as his hobby.  But no change came.

I have learned that when I pray consistently and see no change that it is time to ask God what I’m doing wrong.  When I did this, God answered.  As usual, His answer made so much sense.

God reminded me how much I like it when my husband loves what I do, and how close I feel when we are together in purpose.  Could it be?  Should I turn my heart and seek to love the things my husband does? So I began praying that God would help me support my husband and be a helpmate to him in this area. I surrendered my own battle and asked God to go to war against anything that displeased Him. I was now free to devote myself wholeheartedly to pursuing what my husband loved and I did a u-turn in my heart concerning his hobby.

It is an amazing truth to discover that your self-will can set the course for your emotions. If you set your mind to love something, in time your emotions will gradually realign themselves. It may take hours, or days or weeks, but it is going to happen. Don’t believe me? Take the challenge and see!

Soon I was noticing that he was less interested in his hobby and more eager to spend time with me. Within a few weeks he was telling me about his heart changes towards the way he spends his time. As I genuinely changed my heart, God genuinely changed his. Make no mistake, he still loves his hobby, but now I do too (genuinely and with all of my emotions).

Now I can almost hear you thinking that this is a very idyllic situation, so lets address the big “what if’s” that pop up:  What if my husband loves something I could never love?

Good news! This principle works on the simple things as well as the more difficult things. In fact the tougher the resistance (on his side, or on yours) the bigger the breakthrough God has in store for one or both of you. Let’s use the example of a man who is a hardcore hunter and his wife who is vegan. How could those two ever see eye to eye on that?  First of all, make no mistake that it will take God to make the change.  That will only happen through submission and prayer.  For the husband it may involve his heart being changed to other things. For the wife it may involve a total turnaround on her original position. It may involve a little of both. God is creative, and has no problem identifying for you, or for your spouse, what needs to change.  In every area of your life that you submit to God’s authority, He is faithful and will bring about the needed changes so there will be a new partnership and connection where neither is fighting the other anymore.

What if what my husband loves is ungodly or even dangerous? Let me first say that if you are in danger you should always remove yourself and your children from that situation right away. I am also not intending for you to end up loving and supporting ungodly behavior. What I am encouraging you to do thru this article is to learn to properly apply Godly submission to even the small things and watch God bring about positive changes, even in things as small as hobbies. When things are really bad, God is big enough to deal with them…. but you need to make sure that you, as the wife are not out of line as well. In the case of your husband acting in ungodly ways (from the big things like potentially cheating on you to taking drugs, to some of the smaller things like not wanting to go Church weekly or not making time to pray with you each day) first off stay out of his way. It is not your role to tell your husband over and over again that he is wrong. I like to think that I have the obligation as his helpmate to tell him ONCE that he is wrong and express my heart. Then I back off 100% and never mention it to him again. Now each time I want to open my mouth I turn around, walk out of the room and go seek God on my knees. HE is the one who is going to bring about change, not me. Just remember that: “HE, not me.”  If you are trying to help God along, or take the reigns to make sure things change then YOU are out of line and trust me, nothing happens until one of you repents and comes to God. If you’re pretty sure it won’t be your husband, then it had better be you who realigns with God’s will for your life. Your role is to pray and ask God to intervene, and in the meantime support your husband in every good way that is still possible. (I’m not saying if he’s got a drug addiction that you go buy his drugs for him, I’m saying that during his rebellion phase, you are in your obedience phase. Persevere in prayer and maintain a correct attitude towards him and your marriage.)

What if my husband isn’t a believer, is there any hope this might work?  I can say without a doubt that your obedience and submission to God will position your husband for change. 1st Cor 7:14: “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife.”

That word sanctified means “to make holy, to ceremonially purify and consecrate.” Things that are holy and pure and consecrated are things that are set apart for Gods use. Yes, since your husband isn’t a believer this will usually take more time and you will have to go to war spiritually against the darkness that holds him captive, but there is hope. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he will become a believer, but only that God will honor your prayers and change his heart if his heart is the one that needs changing. Hint, hint.

What if I change my heart and begin to pray and support him and nothing changes? This can only mean one of two things: you aren’t doing it properly, or you were the one who needed the changing! In my experience I pray until I know for certain which of these two applies. There have been many times when I’ve stopped opposing and started praying, but God still requires me to go further and start supporting before things change. I’ve also shot myself in the foot many times by continuing to bring it up.  Call it nagging or encouraging, but I assure you they are the same thing. You should only tell your husband once and then let God take it from there. Are you concerned that your husband has forgotten that you even said anything?  Back off and ask God to remind him. There have also been countless times when God wanted me to die to self and have a total turnaround and by no means does my husband have to change at all. Each time that was the case I would eventually hear from God that He was pleased with my prayers and change, and that my heart change was His will all along.

A surprise effect was that my love and support for him are actually a source of great attraction. Learning this principle can re-ignite the romance more than those 10 pounds you are trying to lose, more than the new haircut or outfit you would like to try out, more even than that island getaway you are saving up for! And best of all, the resulting closeness lasts.  A new spiritual bond is created and the love that is generated on a spiritual level for another is much more powerful than merely emotional feelings or physical attraction.